Some things I just can’t refrain from, even though I feel so bad (that is,  morosely unintelligent) when I make mistakes.

On another note, why is it whenever my friends see me just talking (or joking) to a guy, and being as introverted as I am, I rarely do this anyway, they assume I like him? I don’t feel like I treat him or act around him any differently, but the same smiles, when applied to the opposite gender, suddenly get transformed into some new outlet for my irrepressible affection. This bothers me more than it should.

Guilt comes a pretty close second, but it’s more avoidable.

For me, the first is not being able to find an answer after poking at the same problem(s) for hours. Maybe an idea here or there, but no real results.  And on top of that, knowing you have a billion other assignments to complete and multiple tests or quizzes the next day.

But, I can’t say I don’t like the chase.  (That is, when I don’t give up and go ask somebody for help…That gives me a pretty bad feeling, too).

My tea is getting cold.

It seems that every conversation that I have with my friends (or anyone else for that matter) involves some mention of college, standardized tests, careers, the like. Never have I discussed or contemplated my future as much as I have this last month.

My friend and I met for lunch today when we started sharing future plans. Ok, she shared; I mainly listened. I found myself becoming very excited for her future and hopeful that she could accomplish all that she wanted to do. It’s natural to feel that way when the person who has those goals feels so passionate and certain herself.

But when the topic turned to me, all that I could muster was, “I’m really not sure.” I know what my interests are. I wanted to explore a variety of classes my high school years so I can plan more carefully for college. I don’t want to change my major partway through, although I hear it’s perfectly ok to do so. But which interest would make me the happiest? At this point, I really don’t know.

Of course, all talk of careers must complement money. My friend accused me of wanting to do anything that makes “big money.” It is not entirely untrue. My family wasn’t exactly destitute when I was younger, but money was hard to come by. So I tend to dismiss professions that aren’t cash handy.

But “big money”? I know that in the future, I want to have a nice house. I want to live in a great neighborhood. I want to be able to eat out when I want to, or go to the movies (or to any special event) at any time. I want to be able to travel extensively during vacations and explore all those activities that I’ve only read about or seen on television.  I never want to be dependent on anyone else, or have to worry about my credit.

Even so, I don’t need a large salary to be happy. Even if I can’t travel as much, or go out often, I can think of other hobbies that would make me very content. What’s most important to me is that I don’t spend weekdays at work waiting for the day to be over. I want to accomplish so much, but money will never be my motivation. It’s not the last thing I think of (practicality, practicality), but I’ll never base my entire career on it.